Perhaps I hate how my personality could destroy every relationship. Perhaps I am the kind of person who always do the things to hurt the others and myself.
Perhaps I am not the person who can deserve for a relationship. Perhaps tou and I are so similar that we both can't have taken off our pride. Perhaps I really need someone who can understand how much am I suffering from all the problems of my family.
Perhaps we wouldn't have to break up if he didn't push me too hard sometimes. Perhaps I wouldn't take this step if he could just have given me sometime and not push me into the corner. Perhaps I am not the one who meant for him. Perhaps he is not the one who meant for me as well.
Perhaps he deserves a better one than I do for him. Perhaps I love him too much and care too much that I shouldn't have cared about. Perhaps I am not who I suppose to be when I am in a relationship. Perhaps I will never find myself anymore.
Perhaps I am not supposed to born in this family. Perhaps I wish I could be someone else but myself.Perhaps I have chosen the wrong one to push me in this nonreturnable corner. Perhaps I could have stopped us being further before we have got into the wrong end.
Perhaps he could have understand me more....Perhaps....Perhapsss....Perhapssssssssss
Saturday 27 February 2010
I wish I could be like the other Girls who can argue with the others
I wish I am that kind of girl who could argue to the others, so I could argue with my boyfriend before we got to the stage that we couldn't fix, I just realize my personality can lead to the end of every one of my relationship. I just kept all my feelings in my heart and never have expressed it in a proper way, especially the I love. It is because I am afraid to make him feel bad if i tell him. However, I just kept everything in my heart until the stage that I couldn't have afforded it. So I just damaged everyone of my relationship by damaging myself. I hate to be like I have been. I hate to damage everything in my life. I hate myself so much that I hate to exits in front of anyone. I hope I could be someone else.
Monique.
I don't know why, I just want to be strong. I will be fine. I think tomorrow will be fine. I should have known I would have this kind of ending before. I shouldn't be that sad. I need to stop my tears. You know you shouldn't have started, so you wouldn't get so hurt like you are now. Do you know how this pain can last? This is just like a knife cutting my heart, and it's bleeding, it will keep bleeding until the day I die. I know this cut won't lead me to the death, but this is a cut that I can never recover in my life. My heart is not going to get over it. Its going to bleed until the day I lose all my power. I will be carrying the pain of my heart on my entire life.
Friday 26 February 2010
Its really the END....
Its really the end of our relationship...I know he is not going to be in my life again anymore...I know I am not going to see him in my life anymore...I
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What can I do?
Is there anyone who can tell me what to do? So many problems that I need to deal, since I have to solve not only the personal problems but also the companies' problems and my parents' problems. Even I know stress isn't going to help for the soloving problems , still I just can't stop my stressful feelings. Is there anyone who can give me some wisely advice for soloving the problems.
At the moment all I can say is "I know I have to be strong and do my best!! Nothing can walk over me either!!" I am not the one who can't live without a particular person in my life. As I know it is hard for me now, though I will be fine sometime later. All I am concerning is just how long will it be for me to get over somethings? Monique you have to get over it as soon as possible, because you still have to go your life, still there is a lot of things you have deal with!! Don't let anybody to hold on your life and your mind, since his actions to you aren't going to make you feel any less stressful!! I know how much you love him for, perhaps he couldn't have appriciated for what you have done!! Love shouldn't ask for anything, but doing the things for the others to make the other person happy.
In fact, I have never ask for anything from you, however, you just keep blaming me for the things that I haven't done for you on some rediculious reasons. In fact, have you ever think of the things that I have done for you? Or have I ever reminded you for what I have done? However, I have been reminded for what you have done for me before. As I have never forgotten all those. And I have also tried my best to take care you whenever I could in Australia and hong kong!! Perhaps you have still been complaining for the things that I didn't do. I am so sorry for my mistakes.
At the moment all I can say is "I know I have to be strong and do my best!! Nothing can walk over me either!!" I am not the one who can't live without a particular person in my life. As I know it is hard for me now, though I will be fine sometime later. All I am concerning is just how long will it be for me to get over somethings? Monique you have to get over it as soon as possible, because you still have to go your life, still there is a lot of things you have deal with!! Don't let anybody to hold on your life and your mind, since his actions to you aren't going to make you feel any less stressful!! I know how much you love him for, perhaps he couldn't have appriciated for what you have done!! Love shouldn't ask for anything, but doing the things for the others to make the other person happy.
In fact, I have never ask for anything from you, however, you just keep blaming me for the things that I haven't done for you on some rediculious reasons. In fact, have you ever think of the things that I have done for you? Or have I ever reminded you for what I have done? However, I have been reminded for what you have done for me before. As I have never forgotten all those. And I have also tried my best to take care you whenever I could in Australia and hong kong!! Perhaps you have still been complaining for the things that I didn't do. I am so sorry for my mistakes.
Thursday 25 February 2010
Tears
I couldn't have thought of leaving you will make me suffer in such a pain before. I can't go to bed neighter nor staying awake. I have lost the appetitate as well as my interests on anything in life. There is no one who can let me talk about my feelings. I wish you would not feel the same like I do. It is because this is really killing me.
I am so tired
Dear Mr. H,
No wonder what are you doing now on the other side of the world? Perhaps, you have already fallen asleep since it is now 4am on your place. I am writing this now because I have no idea what can I do to make myself to go to bed. I haven’t been slept for more than 24hours. I am awake maybe because I am so addicted to the drama, and I wanted to finish the entire episodes as soon as possible. However, I am not sure whether I am awake for the drama, or I am watching the drama because I am awake.
When I was watching the drama, it made me think about you with no reason. I wish you could watch this drama and understand it, since it is a Taiwanese drama.
I am not sure how silly am I to write all these without letting you read them. Perhaps, this the only way I can do now to keep my promise that to write you letters at a couple of days in a week and sending them to you in an envelope.
I have received your other letter today. I wish all those could come earlier. And the most important thing is that I really miss you. I couldn’t hold my tears as when I am missing you madly. Why should we be apart?
P.S. I can't stand anymore, I really tired, I think I really need a rest.
Love from,
Monique
25-02-10
No wonder what are you doing now on the other side of the world? Perhaps, you have already fallen asleep since it is now 4am on your place. I am writing this now because I have no idea what can I do to make myself to go to bed. I haven’t been slept for more than 24hours. I am awake maybe because I am so addicted to the drama, and I wanted to finish the entire episodes as soon as possible. However, I am not sure whether I am awake for the drama, or I am watching the drama because I am awake.
When I was watching the drama, it made me think about you with no reason. I wish you could watch this drama and understand it, since it is a Taiwanese drama.
I am not sure how silly am I to write all these without letting you read them. Perhaps, this the only way I can do now to keep my promise that to write you letters at a couple of days in a week and sending them to you in an envelope.
I have received your other letter today. I wish all those could come earlier. And the most important thing is that I really miss you. I couldn’t hold my tears as when I am missing you madly. Why should we be apart?
P.S. I can't stand anymore, I really tired, I think I really need a rest.
Love from,
Monique
25-02-10
Wednesday 24 February 2010
Can you know how hard for me to live without?
I couldn't imagine how difficult it can be for me to leave you. As the heart breaking feeling deeply hurts my heart. You may think the way i have chosen to be wasn't fair to you. In fact, I have no choice but letting go. I think I was lucky to find a man who can understand me as much as you do. I think I was lucky to fall in love with my best friend.
As I know I may have the other chance to find someone like you in the future. Perhaps you would know I could never find myself fall in love with someone else anymore. However, I am unlucky that I have born in the way where I am, I couldn't choose my way for living. As I know your life is so much easier than mine. I really thanks for your help since I met you, but being helped by someone wasn't really what I really wished to be.
Since I know you could have a so much better life without being with me. You may find a better self when not being with me. Every time when I was stand in front of you, I felt so much pressure. Since whatever I have done for you wasn't really the thing that you have hoped. You may not see how I could feel when I was stand in front of you. You have just let me feel that I was the one who made all the troubles for you when I wasn't. I couldn't understand why I looked so hopeless when I was in front of you. I am sorry that I couldn' tell you how I felt. We have been knowing each others for more than 3 years. However, being in a relationship with you wasn't making me understand you more than before. I used to think I could understand you as the way you could understand me, but I found I was so wrong.
I used to think you are an understanding person to me. However you haven't been understanding me since the day we have started our relationship. Being apart from you isn't the hardest thing for me, but being disconnected from you. I wish we couldn't have started to be together so we wouldn't have step into a place where we couldn't get back to the right place anymore.
The thing that I can't understand you the most was, how can you always get an excuse for yourself on the mistakes that you have made. You can always find a way to make yourself look better when you have made the mistake. You didn't like to make yourself look like a bad person when you know you have made some mistakes.
However, this was the worst way you can choose to be. You look even worse when you didn't truly admit to your mistake. I am sorry that you have being in the way you were when you have come to hong kong and china, but this wasn't the reason for you to blame your fault on me. You
have just given everyone and yourself the reason for why you have made your mistakes. You
haven't ever admitted to what you have done was inappropriate. You made every mistake reasonable to be made.
I am sorry to say all those when I couldn't have courage to tell you before since I know you wouldn't want to listen something like that. You could be so different in front of different people. And I could see that the one you have stood in front of me wasn't the right person could make you feel proud. You wish you could be a better person than that. Perhaps you was happy to be with me because you could be your true self when you were with me, so you didn't have to put your effort in acting a better person. Therefore, I decided to leave you so you can be a better person in your life, so I will not be the reason to let you down. I believe you can be happier and have a better life without including me in it. I wish you can find a girl who can make your life easier and feel better in the future. Perhaps I am not the person who can make you feel good, since I have being too straight forward when I was in front of you.
As you thought the way I have treated you didn't make you feel good, I am sorry for that and perhaps that's the sign that I am not the right person suppose. I wish you can find your right. However, I just want to tell you how much I love you. I didn't blame you for anything you have done wrong for me. I just let you know how was the way it can be better.
It is because I know you and I didn't really mind that. However, you have always push in the way you wish I can be. You blame me for all the things that I didn't do in the way you wish I could be. I know I am not a perfect person who always make mistakes. It is because I am not you, I can't be exactly the way you wish I could have been. I am not perfect for you, i am sorry. But I wish you can find the perfect one. Perhaps if you love me as much as how I have done things that precious you as the way you wish, then maybe I think you are just loving me as the as you love yourself. I am glad for it, if that's make me feel comfort.
I wish I could have know all these before. So we would not have started a step further which step was just like a reverse turning us back to an unknown person for each other. I wish I couldn't have met you so I don't have to be hurt as much as I am which is truly killing me. Since I love you much and i couldn't leave you in the way I am right now. As you may know how hurts can love be.
As I know I may have the other chance to find someone like you in the future. Perhaps you would know I could never find myself fall in love with someone else anymore. However, I am unlucky that I have born in the way where I am, I couldn't choose my way for living. As I know your life is so much easier than mine. I really thanks for your help since I met you, but being helped by someone wasn't really what I really wished to be.
Since I know you could have a so much better life without being with me. You may find a better self when not being with me. Every time when I was stand in front of you, I felt so much pressure. Since whatever I have done for you wasn't really the thing that you have hoped. You may not see how I could feel when I was stand in front of you. You have just let me feel that I was the one who made all the troubles for you when I wasn't. I couldn't understand why I looked so hopeless when I was in front of you. I am sorry that I couldn' tell you how I felt. We have been knowing each others for more than 3 years. However, being in a relationship with you wasn't making me understand you more than before. I used to think I could understand you as the way you could understand me, but I found I was so wrong.
I used to think you are an understanding person to me. However you haven't been understanding me since the day we have started our relationship. Being apart from you isn't the hardest thing for me, but being disconnected from you. I wish we couldn't have started to be together so we wouldn't have step into a place where we couldn't get back to the right place anymore.
The thing that I can't understand you the most was, how can you always get an excuse for yourself on the mistakes that you have made. You can always find a way to make yourself look better when you have made the mistake. You didn't like to make yourself look like a bad person when you know you have made some mistakes.
However, this was the worst way you can choose to be. You look even worse when you didn't truly admit to your mistake. I am sorry that you have being in the way you were when you have come to hong kong and china, but this wasn't the reason for you to blame your fault on me. You
have just given everyone and yourself the reason for why you have made your mistakes. You
haven't ever admitted to what you have done was inappropriate. You made every mistake reasonable to be made.
I am sorry to say all those when I couldn't have courage to tell you before since I know you wouldn't want to listen something like that. You could be so different in front of different people. And I could see that the one you have stood in front of me wasn't the right person could make you feel proud. You wish you could be a better person than that. Perhaps you was happy to be with me because you could be your true self when you were with me, so you didn't have to put your effort in acting a better person. Therefore, I decided to leave you so you can be a better person in your life, so I will not be the reason to let you down. I believe you can be happier and have a better life without including me in it. I wish you can find a girl who can make your life easier and feel better in the future. Perhaps I am not the person who can make you feel good, since I have being too straight forward when I was in front of you.
As you thought the way I have treated you didn't make you feel good, I am sorry for that and perhaps that's the sign that I am not the right person suppose. I wish you can find your right. However, I just want to tell you how much I love you. I didn't blame you for anything you have done wrong for me. I just let you know how was the way it can be better.
It is because I know you and I didn't really mind that. However, you have always push in the way you wish I can be. You blame me for all the things that I didn't do in the way you wish I could be. I know I am not a perfect person who always make mistakes. It is because I am not you, I can't be exactly the way you wish I could have been. I am not perfect for you, i am sorry. But I wish you can find the perfect one. Perhaps if you love me as much as how I have done things that precious you as the way you wish, then maybe I think you are just loving me as the as you love yourself. I am glad for it, if that's make me feel comfort.
I wish I could have know all these before. So we would not have started a step further which step was just like a reverse turning us back to an unknown person for each other. I wish I couldn't have met you so I don't have to be hurt as much as I am which is truly killing me. Since I love you much and i couldn't leave you in the way I am right now. As you may know how hurts can love be.
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